I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
