I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
