Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
