I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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