you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
