I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
