If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
