my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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