Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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