awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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