Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
