did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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