I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
