Im at strip club and am horny
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
