I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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