So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
