I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
