jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
3pm strippers are depressing
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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