so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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