Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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