Kiss
Puke
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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