peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
