Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need to calm my uterus...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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