I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
