Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
