I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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