Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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