Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
