I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
