I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave