I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
