Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
