:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
