nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
