he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
