Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
