Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
