after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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