i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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