Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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