but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
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the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
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Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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