no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
