I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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