Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
