I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
