i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
