New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
