I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
