I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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