be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
