The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
