I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
