i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
