I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
