So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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