I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
