i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
